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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

A little honesty, some gratitude, and a bite of privilege pie

The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That's the day we truly grow up.
John C. Maxwell

Dear Readers...

It's been quite awhile since I've written a post. Or, at least a post with some substance and depth. Sometimes I get lost in the fluff. It's a nice hiding place now and then.

I haven't written because of the same reason I freak out every time I try and speak about my art. I'm afraid I'll reveal too much about myself. I have spent the majority of my life trying my hardest to present to everyone around me, a disinfected version of my life. Granted, I'm not much of a neat-freak any way you look at it, and trying to maintain this sanitized sense of self now seems ridiculous.

It's been a bumpy road full of pot holes, dragons, zombies, asteroids, death rays. All of which, I must say, I have dodged with grace, dignity, and have never lost a limb. I have teetered on the edge of rock bottom. I have stood on the edge of it's rock wall and stared down it's throat like a bottomless well. I have swayed but never slipped.

Until last November. Spokane is a small town. (duh). And it's not like I don't talk....all the time. And let's face it, I don't exactly walk the line well of "T.M.I" when it comes Facebook. I am brave on the internet. It's not the real world. Facebook is fiction. I don't walk around all glossy and Photoshopped in real life. (Yet...I'm waiting for that awesome invention though!) I'm pretty shy....(stop laughing). Out here, (Spo-town) I stand out. I talk a little louder. I use my hands. I worship Liza Minnelli. I'm a New Yorker by blood. But, back east? I get lost in the crowd.

I'm sure that, at this point, I'm the only one who still thinks my nervous breakdown last year is a big secret.

So here it is folks:

I had a complete psychotic break last November, lost custody of my two amazing beautiful girls, and spent two weeks in Sacred Heart.


Phew. Glad I don't have to keep hiding that one anymore.

There are a lot of people to which I owe a lot of gratitude. I won't reenact a Grammy speech here (I'd like to thank my record poodle and the man upstairs...) But my life has changed.

I have never worked for more supportive people in my life. Their positive reinforcement, patience, and wisdom has enabled me to understand that here are different ways of viewing the world. I am 37 years old (I know I know...I don't look a day over 28). The first time I ever heard anybody say to me "your better then that" was when I showed up to work after maybe two hours of sleep, still possibly intoxicated from the night before. Jim looked at me and said, "your better then that." He said that to me once after that when he basically told me I have three weeks to get my act together at work. That was three weeks ago. I'm entering my fourth week....(so good...but it's only Tuesday)

What I'm saying, here, now, is that motherhood is not a right. It's a privilege. Having a job isn't a right. It's a privilege.

Happiness is not a privilege.

It's a choice.

Privilege lies in abundance at your feet. All you have to do is free yourself from the fluff and the rest will follow. 

That, I promise. 


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